Tuesday, July 27, 2010

There is a mountain...

the size of a bull elephant on my dining room table. It's flowing onto the floor and spreading out of the room altogether. The majority of the contents of this mountain came out of my closet.

You see, it's almost time for the kids to go BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! I was just at Walmart the other day, picking up some Kashi cereal bars, and there were aisles and aisles of school supplies...all shiny and beautiful and whispering the reminder that it's a time of joy and celebration. Back to SCHOOL is ever so much better than just about any other holiday...in my humble opinion. My older son has gone from 270 something pounds...wearing a TIGHT 38 inch waist...to 195 pounds...wearing a 30 inch waist. He NEEDS new clothes! My younger son has grown at least six inches in the past couple of weeks. He NEEDS new clothes as well! However, in order to determine exactly what they need (they've got to have some underwear or something that still fits, right?)...I make them go through their closets and pull out everything that no longer fits or is in some other manner unsuitable to keep. If they can swap stuff around, great. If not, I don't force the issue.

This year, I decided not to be a hypocrite. It was high time I cleaned out my own closet. Since my ass expanded, I've been living in a land of delusion...hanging onto the "skinny jeans" and various and sundry other clothes that I thought I might wear again. I'm not talking about stuff from just a few years ago when I was wearing a normal size skinny jean...I'm talking about stuff from...get this..."back in the day!" I know!! Crazy, isn't it? My goal isn't to have the body I did from "back in the day!" If anything, I'd like to have a BETTER body than that...healthier...stronger...more toned...not just thin.

So, I cleaned out the closet. Every single item of clothing that is too small, regardless of whether or not I think I might fit in it again a week from now or a year from now is going to charity. Every single item of clothing that is too BIG is gone too. I'm done hiding my fat ass under giant sweaters and, for the love of God, I made my husband promise to divorce me if I ever bought another VELOUR JOGGING SUIT!! I am too young and not nearly fat enough (enormous ass or no) to wear velour jogging suits. What the hell was I thinking?

The funny thing is that the majority of what I'm left with is...EXERCISE CLOTHES!!! Are you surprised? I'm not. That's really all I ever wear anymore. If we go out, dressing up consists of a "nice" t-shirt and khakis or jeans...and I still have some of those left that fit me now. I don't need to be going out very often right now anyhow. It's too damn hard to keep track of what I'm eating when I do.

I might go to Academy or something when I take the kids clothes shopping and fill out my current wardrobe with a few more things to wear to the gym...but, other than that, I'm not going to buy any more clothes until I hit my ultimate goal. When I do, my sweet hubby had better hide the American Express card...because my new skinny ass and I will be going on the shopping trip to end all shopping trips!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

According to the...

scale at my endocrynologist's office, I have managed to lose a whopping SEVEN pounds in the past SIX months. I guess I'm happy that I didn't gain weight with all the crap that's been going on...but damn...I wish I'd managed to pull off a better number than that.

Oh well, what's done is done.

I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to manage my stress levels and keep them from causing me to shove food down my gullet like a half-starved oil soaked pelican. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to get up off my fat ass and get more exercise without hurting myself. I am slowly but surely RE-learning how to keep track of the math and know that if I consume less calories than I burn I will lose weight.

I just need to finish "slowly but surely" RE-learning all this so I can get moving towards my goals at a faster clip. I'm going to be turning 40 in less than a year. I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day and, in addition to the Louis Vuitton trunk sized bags under my eyes and the deeply stressed and furrowed brow, I SWEAR I saw...get this...not just double chins...but CELLULITE on my neck!! How the hell did I get cellulite on my neck? I don't even have that much cellulite on my enormous ass (don't get any funny ideas, ass, I KNOW you're listening!)...so, how could it possibly be on my neck??!! I have no answer to this horrifying question, but I do know that it WILL BE GONE before my next birthday!

One step at a time...when I keep them up, sometimes they add up to 20,000 steps a day and that, my dear friends, is a LOT of ass burning steps.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A little less than...

one down (0.8 to be precise)...many more to go. I didn't quite hit the two pounds my bugg and I were shooting for this week, but I'm going to call it a success regardless. I still lost and thankfully didn't GAIN!

Success points:

* I managed to keep track of what I was eating...EVERY SINGLE DAY!
* I managed to get to the gym (only once but I was doing PLANKS - real ones!)
* I did my physical therapy on the bike on 4 other days besides the gym day.
* I had LOTS of opportunities to make some really bad food choices and passed them up.
* I had calorie deficits on days when I thought I was going to have
surpluses...just because of extra activity.

For the sake of not psyching myself out, I'm not going to call them "failure" points:

* On one day, I ate and ate and ate...and didn't exercise...and ended up with a
calorie SURPLUS of over 1800 calories!
* I used food, once again, to comfort myself during a stressful situation. I could actually feel the anxiety melting away as I scarfed down my massive plate of Chili's french fries. Some people have their alcohol, or their drugs, or whatever. It seems I have food. There, I admitted it. Hi, my name is Naomi and I'm a food addict. (Y'all are supposed to say, "Hi Naomi!" and welcome me to the meeting or something now.)

I miss being able to get up in the morning and drive to the beach for a swim in the ocean. That was a better stress reliever than a plate of french fries. Much better.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Three weeks...

from today I'll be taking my husband to San Antonio to celebrate his birthday. We're staying in a gorgeous hotel on the Riverwalk. We have reservations in two of the best restaurants in San Antonio. We'll be shopping for quirky souvenirs at El Mercado. We. Will. Be. Swimming. With. The. Belugas. At. SEAWORLD!! For those of you that have never heard of a Beluga...imagine a dolphin...increase its size by about three times...make it white...squish its face in a bit...there you go, that's pretty much a Beluga.

So, my fat ass and I will be at Sea World, celebrating my dear husband's birthday, by swimming around in a giant aquarium with the adorable baby Belugas. My favorite bathing suit is primarily black with a "slimming" white stripe. All I can think about is the shouts of terrified children, "OH MY GOD, MOMMY! SHAMU IS TRYING TO EAT THE BELUGAS!!!!"

It gets better. There is going to be a professional photographer too.

Honey, if you didn't know how much I loved you before, please know it now...and promise me that if they try to capture me and toss me back in the tank with the other killer whales you'll speak up before it's too late.

Ass, suck it in or you'll be muu-muu'd.